qualm #2

So a huge part of all the issues I've been having lately is my recent (beginning of senior year?) loss of faith. I was re-reading one of my older posts about a verse I had come across in the Qur'an, and just to clear things up, no, I did not find what I was looking for in it. A couple weeks ago, I was hanging out with my pal Katie Brown, and as our discussions usually go, it went to a pretty intense place.

Ultimately, the basis of my depression and past suicidality (which google says isn't a word but my psychiatrist and mother, mental health RN, would say otherwise) has been a hopelessness caused by existential angst. Now, the advice I most often get for this problem is to simply not think about it, as those kind of thoughts are useless and serve no purpose in helping me live my life. I can vividly recall a group therapy session in which I was asked to explain why I did what I did and why I felt the way I do, and the solution given to me was simply, "I'm not sure how to help you there, other than to recommend not to think about those things anymore." WELL THANKS. That sure is helpful, lady.

Basically, Katie and I got to talking about if there's anything before or after life and whether or not god exists. We're both pretty firm in our beliefs, so it wasn't really going anywhere, but it was still a good discussion. I'm sure if you follow this blog, you know Katie Brown and can ask her about her beliefs- I don't want to misinform you. However, my beliefs are rather simple: there is nothing before life, nothing after life, and there is no god. There's no purpose, and life is meaningless.

Okay. Yes. This point of view is very fatalistic and provides no hope. Katie brought up the brilliant point- if I am right in my view and she is wrong, she has lived a more hopeful life and I lived a bunch of my life miserably even though I am right. But even then, it won't matter! So who cares how I lived my life? I'll be nonexistent. I think I'm a generally good person- at least not bad enough to deserve eternal damnation. I TRY to live a good life, simply because it's the decent thing to do as a human being, not because I want to go to heaven. These other dudes on earth are being forced to live life, and if I can make that stupid, meaningless time a bit happier for them, heck yes I'm all for it. On the other hand, if, for the simple reason that I don't believe in him, god decides I should rot in hell forever, that's not a god I would've wanted to believe in in the first place.

All of that being said, I am very much aware of the effect that these beliefs have on my mental health. These are not beliefs that I enjoy maintaining, but from what I have learned, experienced, and read in my life so far, this is what I believe. Do not think for a moment that I wouldn't like to be convinced otherwise. I am on a constant search for meaning, for something that gives me hope. Though ultimately lacking some of the answers that I seek, the most peace I've found is in Daoism. This philosophy, along with the little bit I have read about Buddhism, has helped me achieve a bit more mental stability in recent months. But I am still not completely finished with this journey, as I probably never will be. And again, Daoism and Buddhism are not philosophies that I practice regularly, only occasionally dabble in reading about.

For now, my beliefs stand firm, even though I am actively looking for new ones which will give me more hope for continuing my life. I think, for now, the pursuit of meaning is what's keeping me going, which is okay by me. At least it's something.

qualm #1

Haven't actually written anything in a while. I'm thinking maybe I should empty my head of the ridiculous amount of thoughts I've been having lately- "lately" loosely meaning the past semester. With the amount of time I've spent alone, it's no wonder I've been thinking so much, in silence alone in my room, while listening to music and walking down by the Mississippi, sometimes happy but most often not.

I guess I'm at that age where it's easier for me to identify change and realize that it's happening. I'd say that in a way, I'm trying to find myself, discover who I am, and define what I believe and what my opinions are, but in all honesty, I don't believe in those things. I don't think it's possible to define a constantly dynamic being. Life is random and unpredictable, as are people. You will always change and do irrational things that you never would've expected from yourself. You may think you know yourself, but it is simply impossible to do so. 

So if that's the truth, what are we supposed to be doing? I guess I'm learning and experiencing everything that I can, but what am I supposed to do with what I learn? I feel like, even things that I learn aren't necessarily helpful, because most things are relative and won't always be true.

I guess my most recent qualm is that I'm stuck in this weird dichotomy of being too dependent on other people for my own happiness while also being too distant and stuck in my own head. Does that even make sense? I crave human empathy, companionship, and love, while also trying to fulfill my need to learn things on my own and be an independent human being. I don't WANT to constantly need other people to fill the void I think I perceive in my life, but it does get awful lonely sometimes. 

I'm also wondering in general how love works. Obviously this is not something that can actually be discovered, but I thought I at least slightly understood it. Now I know that it's completely nonsensical and impossible to comprehend. I think, for me personally, I try so hard to connect with people. I've been told that I'm way too empathetic. I make it my goal, my duty to understand how other people feel, or at least to the best of my ability. And not to sound like some whiny teenager, but I think that makes it difficult for me when other people don't understand how I feel. I think that's why I've fallen in love with the two people I have in the past. One was a six month long relationship, which okay, yes. Sure. Love sounds like a possibility in that case. But someone I've physically spent five days with- that makes no sense! But I think in that situation, it was what we had in common, in terms of our mindsets, the way we thought, and how we empathized with each other that did me in. It's just strange and new for me. It began and ended so quickly, yet I do truly believe that I was in love. The kind of thing that never leaves you, the kind of thing that becomes a part of who you are forever, that you'll never forget.

Which leads me to where I am now. The fact that I was able to honestly love someone after that first six month relationship gives me a tiny semblance of hope. It IS possible to fall in love, be in love, truly love more than once. So now I'm searching again. No matter how hard it is to find someone, I'll keep trying until it happens. I'll find someone who I can help and who can help me.

That being said, didn't I just say I wanted to be more independent? What do I actually mean by independence, anyway? I spend so much of my time alone lately. I think I just crave companionship because I need an escape from my thoughts, or at least someone to listen to them and help me work through them. These thoughts ARE my own, no matter how unoriginal they may be in the grand scheme of things, but I don't think I can find a sense of peace and finality on my own. Not that a sense of finality is really possible in my opinion, but at least for a short while, I think with the help of other people, it'd be doable. 

Who knows. Maybe I'll find someone soon who I feel truly does understand when I talk to them about these kinds of things, someone who I can have a meaningful conversation with and someone who will be able to relate. Someone just as confused about life.

Maybe we can stumble, blind and uncertain, through life together. At least it'd be better than doing it alone.

letters from december

one

Hello! Just a friendly reminder that I still think about and miss you and Greece all the time. There's a photo of us on my wall right next to my bed.

Life in college has been so busy! I wish I had time to write you a real letter. I may try to send a Christmas card, but I doubt it'll get there by Christmas.

How is university? I am so very homesick, but I do love this city. I've met a lot of great people but still manage to constantly feel completely alone here. It's weird, growing up. I feel old, yet so young at the same time. I guess I still have a lot of life to live and a lot of lessons to learn, but this is still the oldest I've ever been. Haha. I think I fell in love with this guy. I stayed at his apartment a couple of nights; he and his friends and roommates make me feel so very at home in this strange place. The only other place (other than actually at home) that I've felt that way is when I stayed with you. He's so confusing though. I don't think it's going to work out, and it makes me sad. But that's life, I guess.

Classes have been okay. More than okay; I have straight A's. Haha. It's been very cold too. It has been consistently around -6 to 0 degrees F here. Not sure what that is in Celsius. The food is ok, I guess. I'm a poor college student now so. That's interesting for me. Haha.

I miss you. I miss home too. I miss a lot of things. Life is difficult and confusing and constantly changing. I'm terrified I'll never figure it out, and it scares me even more because I know I really won't. Life doesn't work that way. You can't FIGURE life out. It just happens and you react.

Sorry this message is weird. College makes me feel awkward and alone and scared and confused. The world is a strange place and life is a strange thing.

Miss you Love you Ellie.

two

• I haven't wanted to talk to my parents about how I've been feeling, just because I know they're already worried about me even if I'm doing well.

  Some days are great! But those days are few and far between. I want to go home so badly, but at the same time, I'm worried it won't feel like home anymore, and then I'll feel completely lost.
• I have just felt so out of place here, and I'm afraid that by leaving home and staying away for a while, I've become out of place in the world. That's why I want so badly to be with this guy; that place makes me feel at home. Possibly even more than my actual home has in the past year. It's so stupid because we actually only have been in each other's presence for a total of five days. But we connected so quickly and I can't remember ever being as happy as I was when I spent time with him and his roommates.

  It sucks. I want so badly to be happy, but people keep telling me that I can't get there by wanting it. I have to let it come to me. It's just difficult. All that existential angst I had last year...it's still in the back of my mind, but I just have to ignore it. On bad days, I can't help but think of it though. And those days are starting to occur more often.

  I think, for you and George, distance can make you paranoid. I know, for me anyway, I automatically assume the worst instead of trusting people. It's just hard. You know that if you completely trust them, you have every possibility of getting hurt by them. But you want to trust him because you love him, right? I wish I had an answer for you. Maybe confront him about it? I think being honest and full communication is the best thing to do sometimes...without being too blunt or confrontational about it. I don't know.

  I understand your not getting out of bed thing. That's been a problem for me since last year. haha. I still haven't re-started on my medication- my parents think I've been taking it this whole time. There are days when, yes, I just CAN'T get out of bed. But the thing is, my therapist said I'm going to have to be on medication for the rest of my life probably. She said they'd try to taper me off of it every couple years, but that I'd probably relapse and have to be hospitalized again. What kind of life is that? A shitty one I don't want to live. So I want to learn to be happy on my own. It's been difficult, but no hospital visits yet so. I like to think it's been going okay.

  You can still do art somehow, can't you? Find a way to do what you love, and don't let anything stop you. It's YOUR life. You're never really stuck with anything, I don't think. I have no idea where I'm going with my life, and I'll probably end up broke and alone, but that's okay. I'm just going to do what I want to do for now. I'm not saying drop everything and leave uni, but I'm sure there's an art program nearby or some art classes you could take...or even just painting or sketching things every day in your spare time. Maybe if you started a journal in which you drew things every day...I bet that'd make you feel better.
• I don't think you should regret anything, even going to uni for what you think is the wrong thing or "wasting" your parents' money. Everything in life is a learning experience. And yeah, it might suck now, but the bad stuff and how we deal with it is what really makes us who we are, I've learned.

  Not to say I'm in a great place now, but what I've gone through in the past year has made me more of who I am than ever before. If that makes any sense.

  I am fully aware that thinking too much will drive you crazy. I'm afraid I've been crazy for quite some time now. haha.
• Love always,
• Ellie.

In which. Oh God.

guYS I WANT A TATTOO OF SOMETHING BY E.E. CUMMINGS FJOIEJFFFFFFFFFFFFF
ok yes
thank you
bye

In which I'm still learning who I am.

I have not had much time to read for fun lately. I legitimately can't remember the last book I read for fun. 

We did, however, begin to discuss Islam in World Religions yesterday. I thought this would be the religion I'd be the least interested this semester, but it has turned out to fascinate me way more than I had originally believed. 

My mom grew up in a country that, although predominantly Catholic, also has a very concentrated Muslim population. Many of the words in Tagalog, the national language of the Philippines, are actually borrowed from Arabic, like Salamat-po which is the most common greeting- "Salam" is Arabic for "peace." My dad has been teaching at the English Language Institute at the University of Delaware for a few years now, and this year, his students are predominantly from Saudi Arabia. This has also increased HIS fascination with the country, its relationship with the religion of Islam, and the effect of Islam on the culture of the nation.

Yesterday during my free period, I began to read the Qur'an. The first chapter was strangely captivating, and honestly I found it much easier to read than the Bible. I don't know if that's just because I have grown up with the Bible and all the stories contained within; they have been drilled into my head since I was a little girl, and I'm a bit tired of them. To experience a completely different point of view and fresh(er? I mean, it's not BRAND new...) take on monotheistic religion is pretty eye-opening to me. 

My favorite verse comes from the second chapter, verse 28:

How can you disbelieve in Allah when you were lifeless and He brought you to life; then He will cause you to die, then He will bring you [back] to life, and then to Him you will be returned.

I don't know what about this verse struck me so much. This whole year, I have been trying to find meaning in life, and it's been a very difficult journey. In a way, I have completely lost my faith, but now that I've (hopefully) gotten through my tiny atheistic existentialist oh-holy-poop-there's-no-meaning-why-not-just-kill-myself-and-get-the-purposeless-suffering-over-with phase, I am searching for a new faith that really speaks to me. Not to say that I'm going to convert to Islam. Also not to say that I won't. I don't know. Right now, I'm just searching and trying to find myself and find something that I feel gives me meaning.

I guess what strikes me about this verse is that I have spent this entire year in lots of doubt and disbelief. It gives me a bit of comfort to think that maybe this god, Allah, has caused all of this for a reason, and at the end of it all, I'll be returned to him. Like, of course you should believe! Because you exist! It'll be okay. He'll get you through it. Strangely, this is exactly what I wrote about after the car accident, but on the opposite side of things- arguing that god does NOT exist. But for some reason, the way the Qur'an has been putting everything, as opposed to what all of the people from my church had been saying about "giving up my problems to God," has gotten to me more. 

In any case, I'm determined to get through the whole Qur'an. I don't think I've ever even read one whole book in the Bible. I've tried, but never succeeded. I'm hoping this turns out well, or at least helps me discover SOMETHING about myself and my own faith, whatever it may be. I'm still learning.

In which I have a bit of a meltdown.

So I had a bit of a meltdown on Sunday- last concert at St. Mark's ever! ;-;
I don't know how to deal with this. Ogod. Halp pl0x

not a good day.
not a good weekend.
not a good year.