I haven't really wanted to tell anyone about this, but blogs have always been like therapy to me, so there you go. Read this at your own risk and only if you want to feel like my therapist for a few paragraphs.
Recently ("recently" here meaning "last night"), I was in an extremely bad car accident. One of the paramedics said that he was surprised to find me alive, let alone not bloody and smashed up. The other person was hurt, but not too badly; I was in a tiny Toyota Echo and she was in an SUV. She hit my driver's side door. Like I said, they were surprised I survived. I came into school today with only a concussion and a few bad bruises.
So. What does this have to do with what I've been reading recently? The last book I was reading was Life of Pi by Yann Martel. This book deals hugely with the existence of God, the role organized religion plays in our lives and cultures, and how God is percieved by man. However, I had only read about a third of the book before last night, and this morning I decided that I wouldn't be able to finish it.
I've been having a lot of trouble with my faith recently. And by "a lot of trouble" I mean that it doesn't exist anymore. God doesn't exist anymore in my mind, which is a really big deal when my parents are super religious, I've been going to Catholic school since kindergarten, and up until this year, I had rarely ever missed Sunday Mass- maybe twice a year, at most.
Tying all of this together: I haven't told many people about my accident, but the few that have are telling me to pray, give it up to Jesus, forgive myself etc. This accident, to me, was the straw that broke the camel's back; God cannot exist if something like that could happen. I'm sure most people will find this thought silly, but sorry, I'm not sorry- it's just how I feel. I feel SO RIDICULOUSLY GUILTY about this accident though; this other lady is hurt, and it is MY FAULT. I can't just say, "Hey Jesus, here. You deal with this and I'll feel better." In all of my experience as a practicing Catholic, prayer has NEVER made me feel any better, any less stressed or nervous about anything, has never relieved any grief or guilt I have felt. There is no one listening and no one there who will relieve me of my troubles. So anyone telling me to ask God for forgiveness and guidance? You're not helping. You're just making it worse.
Therefore, I have given up on The Life of Pi. I'm sure it's an amazing, well-written book, but I really can't handle reading it right now. I had planned on all of my blog posts this quarter being about books I'm reading that relate to my wavering back and forth between believing and not believing in God, but now I have my answer. So it doesn't seem necessary anymore.
