I have been trying to get through The Stranger by Albert Camus. I was going to try to read it in French, but let's be honest. I don't have time for that.
Anyway, I'm halfway through the book and completely loving it. I'm pretty sure the way this guy lives is supposed to be a nonexample of how to live life, but I wish I could live like that. And the way he's been feeling? That's sort of how I've been feeling lately.
I wish I could just not care about anything and be calm and relaxed all the time, not worrying and feeling like nothing matters. I do feel like nothing matters, but for some reason I just care too much about everything and stress out about every little thing. I wish I could just not care like him.
I don't think I'm SUPPOSED to want to be like him, but I do. Not that I want to kill anyone or anything, I just want to be able to go with the flow and take life as it is. He's just so detached, which I wish I could be.
I kind of feel like I'm the opposite of Camus' main character. Ever since we talked about existentialism in Mr. Ingram's class, it has stressed me the fudge OUT. Like, why does anything we ever do matter if everyone is just going to die eventually anyway? Does life have meaning? Does MY life have meaning? Camus' character answers, "no." I've been worrying about it and stressing out about it all year, trying to figure out the meaning of my life, but this book is helping me to accept the fact that maybe there IS no point. Maybe I should just stop stressing out about it and realize that there is no meaning and I don't need to worry about it so much. Then I can become as detached from life as Camus' character is, and I can live my life without so much stress.
I don't know. This whole post is rather melodramatic. Don't mind me; I'm just in a weird mood today. I'll let you know if it continues. Not that you care much anyway. I don't even know who I'm talking to. The internet in general? Maybe I should stop. Sorry.
I'm out.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
In which God does not exist.
I haven't really wanted to tell anyone about this, but blogs have always been like therapy to me, so there you go. Read this at your own risk and only if you want to feel like my therapist for a few paragraphs.
Recently ("recently" here meaning "last night"), I was in an extremely bad car accident. One of the paramedics said that he was surprised to find me alive, let alone not bloody and smashed up. The other person was hurt, but not too badly; I was in a tiny Toyota Echo and she was in an SUV. She hit my driver's side door. Like I said, they were surprised I survived. I came into school today with only a concussion and a few bad bruises.
So. What does this have to do with what I've been reading recently? The last book I was reading was Life of Pi by Yann Martel. This book deals hugely with the existence of God, the role organized religion plays in our lives and cultures, and how God is percieved by man. However, I had only read about a third of the book before last night, and this morning I decided that I wouldn't be able to finish it.
I've been having a lot of trouble with my faith recently. And by "a lot of trouble" I mean that it doesn't exist anymore. God doesn't exist anymore in my mind, which is a really big deal when my parents are super religious, I've been going to Catholic school since kindergarten, and up until this year, I had rarely ever missed Sunday Mass- maybe twice a year, at most.
Tying all of this together: I haven't told many people about my accident, but the few that have are telling me to pray, give it up to Jesus, forgive myself etc. This accident, to me, was the straw that broke the camel's back; God cannot exist if something like that could happen. I'm sure most people will find this thought silly, but sorry, I'm not sorry- it's just how I feel. I feel SO RIDICULOUSLY GUILTY about this accident though; this other lady is hurt, and it is MY FAULT. I can't just say, "Hey Jesus, here. You deal with this and I'll feel better." In all of my experience as a practicing Catholic, prayer has NEVER made me feel any better, any less stressed or nervous about anything, has never relieved any grief or guilt I have felt. There is no one listening and no one there who will relieve me of my troubles. So anyone telling me to ask God for forgiveness and guidance? You're not helping. You're just making it worse.
Therefore, I have given up on The Life of Pi. I'm sure it's an amazing, well-written book, but I really can't handle reading it right now. I had planned on all of my blog posts this quarter being about books I'm reading that relate to my wavering back and forth between believing and not believing in God, but now I have my answer. So it doesn't seem necessary anymore.
Recently ("recently" here meaning "last night"), I was in an extremely bad car accident. One of the paramedics said that he was surprised to find me alive, let alone not bloody and smashed up. The other person was hurt, but not too badly; I was in a tiny Toyota Echo and she was in an SUV. She hit my driver's side door. Like I said, they were surprised I survived. I came into school today with only a concussion and a few bad bruises.
So. What does this have to do with what I've been reading recently? The last book I was reading was Life of Pi by Yann Martel. This book deals hugely with the existence of God, the role organized religion plays in our lives and cultures, and how God is percieved by man. However, I had only read about a third of the book before last night, and this morning I decided that I wouldn't be able to finish it.
I've been having a lot of trouble with my faith recently. And by "a lot of trouble" I mean that it doesn't exist anymore. God doesn't exist anymore in my mind, which is a really big deal when my parents are super religious, I've been going to Catholic school since kindergarten, and up until this year, I had rarely ever missed Sunday Mass- maybe twice a year, at most.
Tying all of this together: I haven't told many people about my accident, but the few that have are telling me to pray, give it up to Jesus, forgive myself etc. This accident, to me, was the straw that broke the camel's back; God cannot exist if something like that could happen. I'm sure most people will find this thought silly, but sorry, I'm not sorry- it's just how I feel. I feel SO RIDICULOUSLY GUILTY about this accident though; this other lady is hurt, and it is MY FAULT. I can't just say, "Hey Jesus, here. You deal with this and I'll feel better." In all of my experience as a practicing Catholic, prayer has NEVER made me feel any better, any less stressed or nervous about anything, has never relieved any grief or guilt I have felt. There is no one listening and no one there who will relieve me of my troubles. So anyone telling me to ask God for forgiveness and guidance? You're not helping. You're just making it worse.
Therefore, I have given up on The Life of Pi. I'm sure it's an amazing, well-written book, but I really can't handle reading it right now. I had planned on all of my blog posts this quarter being about books I'm reading that relate to my wavering back and forth between believing and not believing in God, but now I have my answer. So it doesn't seem necessary anymore.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
In which I recommend some songs.
Every emotion.
I have been so ridiculously obsessed lately; their music is loss, their music is ecstasy, their music is sorrow, their music is pure elation and happiness.
Their music is the human experience.
It's so powerful and moving. I just listen and sit back and let it wash over me.
It's amazing what music can do.
(If you want to hear a song by them that may sound a bit more familiar, look up Hoppipolla. That song is the epitome of joy.)
Friday, October 19, 2012
Part 3: In which school assignments are relevant.
The third and final story about leaving which I read was "Eveline" by James Joyce. The moment I was assigned to read this in class was the moment I realized that everything I'd been reading recently had been about leaving. Is it a coincidence? I'm still not sure. But I digress.
Eveline spends most of the story staring out of a window and thinking about her life. Her father has not been great to her, treating her differently because she is a girl and taking her wages, and ever since her mother died, she has been counted on to take care of the family. She has decided to leave this life in order to pursue a new one with her lover, Frank, in the far away city of Buenos Aires. She is excited with the prospect of being married, as society wants her to be. Although her father disapproves of Frank, she is determined to leave her mediocre life in order to explore the new possibilities of married life.
However, as she is about to board the boat to Buenos Aires, she realizes that this life, too, will be stifled by the dominance of a male. Frank would have saved her from her old confinements but would also drown her in new ones. He continues to call to her, beckoning to her to follow, but she is unable to move, "passive, like a helpless animal."
This story, although still about leaving, is a bit less relatable to me. As a girl, the character I would relate to most is definitely Eveline, but I do not feel as if I have a particularly difficult life at home. In some ways, I do think I am stifled by my parents who expect me to do certain things with my life and would like me to focus on some things more than others, but I think that when I leave for college, I WILL be able to experience more freedom. Where I'm going, I won't know anyone, so I will be able to be who I want to be and no one will be able to hold me back from that.
I also know that where I am going is where I want to be for the next four years (or longer!), so I know that I won't be reluctant when it comes time to leave.
When I say that, though, there is a tiny voice in the back of my head saying that Eveline believed that too. She knew that Buenos Aires with Frank was where she wanted to be, but in the end, she wasn't able to go through with it. Although my situation is not as serious as hers, I wonder if I'll feel differently about my life once I move away. But for now, I'm determined to get out of here and into a new and exciting life- far, far away from Delaware.
Eveline spends most of the story staring out of a window and thinking about her life. Her father has not been great to her, treating her differently because she is a girl and taking her wages, and ever since her mother died, she has been counted on to take care of the family. She has decided to leave this life in order to pursue a new one with her lover, Frank, in the far away city of Buenos Aires. She is excited with the prospect of being married, as society wants her to be. Although her father disapproves of Frank, she is determined to leave her mediocre life in order to explore the new possibilities of married life.
However, as she is about to board the boat to Buenos Aires, she realizes that this life, too, will be stifled by the dominance of a male. Frank would have saved her from her old confinements but would also drown her in new ones. He continues to call to her, beckoning to her to follow, but she is unable to move, "passive, like a helpless animal."
This story, although still about leaving, is a bit less relatable to me. As a girl, the character I would relate to most is definitely Eveline, but I do not feel as if I have a particularly difficult life at home. In some ways, I do think I am stifled by my parents who expect me to do certain things with my life and would like me to focus on some things more than others, but I think that when I leave for college, I WILL be able to experience more freedom. Where I'm going, I won't know anyone, so I will be able to be who I want to be and no one will be able to hold me back from that.
I also know that where I am going is where I want to be for the next four years (or longer!), so I know that I won't be reluctant when it comes time to leave.
When I say that, though, there is a tiny voice in the back of my head saying that Eveline believed that too. She knew that Buenos Aires with Frank was where she wanted to be, but in the end, she wasn't able to go through with it. Although my situation is not as serious as hers, I wonder if I'll feel differently about my life once I move away. But for now, I'm determined to get out of here and into a new and exciting life- far, far away from Delaware.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Part 2: In which I have been tamed.
The second book about leaving that I read was Antoine de Saint Exupery's The Little Prince. This book, although a seemingly innocent children's book, is full of some of the most beautiful and truthful ideas that any adult would do good to live by.
There are plenty of morals and truths in this book that really make you think about life in general, the meaning of it and how one can live it properly, but the most famous truth, and probably the one that sticks with me the most, is probably the fox's idea of taming and being tamed.
The fox's definition of "to tame" is "to establish ties." The fox explains to the prince that he is a fox, just like the thousands of other foxes in the world, while the prince is a boy, just like the thousands of other boys in the world. They are not unique in any way and do not mean anything special to one another. However, if the prince and the fox were to tame each other, they would need each other. They would be unique to each other and it would mean everything.
To the fox, life has been monotonous. It is the same schedule every day, every week. But if the prince chooses to tame the fox, the fox will respond to the prince's steps in a way that he does no other. When the prince comes to visit, the fox will be happy. There is a huge wheat field nearby which the fox has no use for, but if the prince tames the fox, the wheat will remind the fox of the prince's golden hair, and the fox will love to watch the wind blowing in the wheat.
The fox continues in saying, "One only understands the things that he tames." He explains that everything can now be bought in shops- but not friendship. Taming is the only way to make friends.
The most beautiful part of the fox's story comes after he has already been tamed. The fox says that he is going to cry because the prince must leave. The prince says, "Then it has done you no good!" But from now on, the color of the wheat fields will mean everything to the fox. So it has done him all the good in the world.
As bittersweet as this message is, it really is one of the most true in the world. Life changes, people change, and people go. But no matter how different a person is now from who they were before or how far away they are, you will always love them and they will always love you. Even after that person has completely changed and left you forever, you'll remember the experience of being their friend and loving them completely. And so will they.
There are plenty of morals and truths in this book that really make you think about life in general, the meaning of it and how one can live it properly, but the most famous truth, and probably the one that sticks with me the most, is probably the fox's idea of taming and being tamed.
The fox's definition of "to tame" is "to establish ties." The fox explains to the prince that he is a fox, just like the thousands of other foxes in the world, while the prince is a boy, just like the thousands of other boys in the world. They are not unique in any way and do not mean anything special to one another. However, if the prince and the fox were to tame each other, they would need each other. They would be unique to each other and it would mean everything.
To the fox, life has been monotonous. It is the same schedule every day, every week. But if the prince chooses to tame the fox, the fox will respond to the prince's steps in a way that he does no other. When the prince comes to visit, the fox will be happy. There is a huge wheat field nearby which the fox has no use for, but if the prince tames the fox, the wheat will remind the fox of the prince's golden hair, and the fox will love to watch the wind blowing in the wheat.
The fox continues in saying, "One only understands the things that he tames." He explains that everything can now be bought in shops- but not friendship. Taming is the only way to make friends.
The most beautiful part of the fox's story comes after he has already been tamed. The fox says that he is going to cry because the prince must leave. The prince says, "Then it has done you no good!" But from now on, the color of the wheat fields will mean everything to the fox. So it has done him all the good in the world.
As bittersweet as this message is, it really is one of the most true in the world. Life changes, people change, and people go. But no matter how different a person is now from who they were before or how far away they are, you will always love them and they will always love you. Even after that person has completely changed and left you forever, you'll remember the experience of being their friend and loving them completely. And so will they.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Part 1: In which we all grow up.
During class today, I realized that most of the books I've read for pleasure recently have been about leaving. When I say "pleasure," I mean that they weren't assigned; in no way do I find pleasure in the thought or process of leaving or being left behind.
It struck me as sort of odd though, the coincidence of reading these books (which I hadn't planned at all) and the things going on in my life that relate to leaving and having people leave me. Maybe I subconsciously was trying to prepare myself for what I knew was coming up- and also what I didn't. In any case, reading these books and stories has made me think a lot about leaving and being left behind- leaving for college, friends going far away, growing up and leaving my childhood behind. You know, happy fun-time stuff.
The first of these books is J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan. I read it over the summer on my plane flight back from Las Vegas, and although I already knew the story from the Disney movie, I cried at the end, which was rather awkward when sitting next to a complete stranger. The book is much more moving than the movie, which makes sense when basically every Disney movie has a happily-ever-after ending.
The main question I was left with when I finished the book was this: why did Wendy leave Neverland? I never questioned this when I was little; while watching any of the movie adaptations, it had never seemed to be such a big deal. The movie was basically happy all the way through, and although I haven't seen the animated film in quite a while, I'm sure it ended on a happy note. I know in the book, Peter came back and visited Wendy's daughter and would visit her daughter's daughter etc. until the end of time, but it still bothered me that Wendy ever decided to leave in the first place.
Neverland is perfect; one never has to grow up, never has to be responsible, never has to worry or stress about much of anything. There are no grown-up problems to deal with. One doesn't have to get a job or worry about money or providing for a family. Plus, Peter is there, Peter whom Wendy loves and who loves Wendy.
In writing this, I have come up with a few more questions: does Peter really love Wendy? Is that why she must leave, because he cannot love since he refuses to grow up? But then, I don't think love is really something only grown-ups can do. Maybe in the romantic sense it's true, and maybe that's why the book is so depressing to me. She loves him, and he has hints and glimpses of love for her, but he refuses to grow up in order to fully love her back. So she must leave.
I don't know. Perhaps I'm just making things up? In any case, I'd choose Neverland over the real world any day. I'm terrified of growing up, but there's nothing I can do to prevent it, no Neverland I can escape to in order to remain young and happy and carefree for the rest of my life.
Maybe someday I'll truly understand why Wendy had to leave and why people have to grow up.
Maybe the reason why people have to grow up...it's only something you can understand once you grow up.
(I certainly hope that's true. I've had a lot of questions lately that no one has the answers to, and it's been starting to really terrify me. But that's a story for another blog post.)
It struck me as sort of odd though, the coincidence of reading these books (which I hadn't planned at all) and the things going on in my life that relate to leaving and having people leave me. Maybe I subconsciously was trying to prepare myself for what I knew was coming up- and also what I didn't. In any case, reading these books and stories has made me think a lot about leaving and being left behind- leaving for college, friends going far away, growing up and leaving my childhood behind. You know, happy fun-time stuff.
The first of these books is J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan. I read it over the summer on my plane flight back from Las Vegas, and although I already knew the story from the Disney movie, I cried at the end, which was rather awkward when sitting next to a complete stranger. The book is much more moving than the movie, which makes sense when basically every Disney movie has a happily-ever-after ending.
The main question I was left with when I finished the book was this: why did Wendy leave Neverland? I never questioned this when I was little; while watching any of the movie adaptations, it had never seemed to be such a big deal. The movie was basically happy all the way through, and although I haven't seen the animated film in quite a while, I'm sure it ended on a happy note. I know in the book, Peter came back and visited Wendy's daughter and would visit her daughter's daughter etc. until the end of time, but it still bothered me that Wendy ever decided to leave in the first place.
Neverland is perfect; one never has to grow up, never has to be responsible, never has to worry or stress about much of anything. There are no grown-up problems to deal with. One doesn't have to get a job or worry about money or providing for a family. Plus, Peter is there, Peter whom Wendy loves and who loves Wendy.
In writing this, I have come up with a few more questions: does Peter really love Wendy? Is that why she must leave, because he cannot love since he refuses to grow up? But then, I don't think love is really something only grown-ups can do. Maybe in the romantic sense it's true, and maybe that's why the book is so depressing to me. She loves him, and he has hints and glimpses of love for her, but he refuses to grow up in order to fully love her back. So she must leave.
I don't know. Perhaps I'm just making things up? In any case, I'd choose Neverland over the real world any day. I'm terrified of growing up, but there's nothing I can do to prevent it, no Neverland I can escape to in order to remain young and happy and carefree for the rest of my life.
Maybe someday I'll truly understand why Wendy had to leave and why people have to grow up.
Maybe the reason why people have to grow up...it's only something you can understand once you grow up.
(I certainly hope that's true. I've had a lot of questions lately that no one has the answers to, and it's been starting to really terrify me. But that's a story for another blog post.)
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