letters from december

one

Hello! Just a friendly reminder that I still think about and miss you and Greece all the time. There's a photo of us on my wall right next to my bed.

Life in college has been so busy! I wish I had time to write you a real letter. I may try to send a Christmas card, but I doubt it'll get there by Christmas.

How is university? I am so very homesick, but I do love this city. I've met a lot of great people but still manage to constantly feel completely alone here. It's weird, growing up. I feel old, yet so young at the same time. I guess I still have a lot of life to live and a lot of lessons to learn, but this is still the oldest I've ever been. Haha. I think I fell in love with this guy. I stayed at his apartment a couple of nights; he and his friends and roommates make me feel so very at home in this strange place. The only other place (other than actually at home) that I've felt that way is when I stayed with you. He's so confusing though. I don't think it's going to work out, and it makes me sad. But that's life, I guess.

Classes have been okay. More than okay; I have straight A's. Haha. It's been very cold too. It has been consistently around -6 to 0 degrees F here. Not sure what that is in Celsius. The food is ok, I guess. I'm a poor college student now so. That's interesting for me. Haha.

I miss you. I miss home too. I miss a lot of things. Life is difficult and confusing and constantly changing. I'm terrified I'll never figure it out, and it scares me even more because I know I really won't. Life doesn't work that way. You can't FIGURE life out. It just happens and you react.

Sorry this message is weird. College makes me feel awkward and alone and scared and confused. The world is a strange place and life is a strange thing.

Miss you Love you Ellie.

two

• I haven't wanted to talk to my parents about how I've been feeling, just because I know they're already worried about me even if I'm doing well.

  Some days are great! But those days are few and far between. I want to go home so badly, but at the same time, I'm worried it won't feel like home anymore, and then I'll feel completely lost.
• I have just felt so out of place here, and I'm afraid that by leaving home and staying away for a while, I've become out of place in the world. That's why I want so badly to be with this guy; that place makes me feel at home. Possibly even more than my actual home has in the past year. It's so stupid because we actually only have been in each other's presence for a total of five days. But we connected so quickly and I can't remember ever being as happy as I was when I spent time with him and his roommates.

  It sucks. I want so badly to be happy, but people keep telling me that I can't get there by wanting it. I have to let it come to me. It's just difficult. All that existential angst I had last year...it's still in the back of my mind, but I just have to ignore it. On bad days, I can't help but think of it though. And those days are starting to occur more often.

  I think, for you and George, distance can make you paranoid. I know, for me anyway, I automatically assume the worst instead of trusting people. It's just hard. You know that if you completely trust them, you have every possibility of getting hurt by them. But you want to trust him because you love him, right? I wish I had an answer for you. Maybe confront him about it? I think being honest and full communication is the best thing to do sometimes...without being too blunt or confrontational about it. I don't know.

  I understand your not getting out of bed thing. That's been a problem for me since last year. haha. I still haven't re-started on my medication- my parents think I've been taking it this whole time. There are days when, yes, I just CAN'T get out of bed. But the thing is, my therapist said I'm going to have to be on medication for the rest of my life probably. She said they'd try to taper me off of it every couple years, but that I'd probably relapse and have to be hospitalized again. What kind of life is that? A shitty one I don't want to live. So I want to learn to be happy on my own. It's been difficult, but no hospital visits yet so. I like to think it's been going okay.

  You can still do art somehow, can't you? Find a way to do what you love, and don't let anything stop you. It's YOUR life. You're never really stuck with anything, I don't think. I have no idea where I'm going with my life, and I'll probably end up broke and alone, but that's okay. I'm just going to do what I want to do for now. I'm not saying drop everything and leave uni, but I'm sure there's an art program nearby or some art classes you could take...or even just painting or sketching things every day in your spare time. Maybe if you started a journal in which you drew things every day...I bet that'd make you feel better.
• I don't think you should regret anything, even going to uni for what you think is the wrong thing or "wasting" your parents' money. Everything in life is a learning experience. And yeah, it might suck now, but the bad stuff and how we deal with it is what really makes us who we are, I've learned.

  Not to say I'm in a great place now, but what I've gone through in the past year has made me more of who I am than ever before. If that makes any sense.

  I am fully aware that thinking too much will drive you crazy. I'm afraid I've been crazy for quite some time now. haha.
• Love always,
• Ellie.