So a huge part of all the issues I've been having lately is my recent (beginning of senior year?) loss of faith. I was re-reading one of my older posts about a verse I had come across in the Qur'an, and just to clear things up, no, I did not find what I was looking for in it. A couple weeks ago, I was hanging out with my pal Katie Brown, and as our discussions usually go, it went to a pretty intense place.
Ultimately, the basis of my depression and past suicidality (which google says isn't a word but my psychiatrist and mother, mental health RN, would say otherwise) has been a hopelessness caused by existential angst. Now, the advice I most often get for this problem is to simply not think about it, as those kind of thoughts are useless and serve no purpose in helping me live my life. I can vividly recall a group therapy session in which I was asked to explain why I did what I did and why I felt the way I do, and the solution given to me was simply, "I'm not sure how to help you there, other than to recommend not to think about those things anymore." WELL THANKS. That sure is helpful, lady.
Basically, Katie and I got to talking about if there's anything before or after life and whether or not god exists. We're both pretty firm in our beliefs, so it wasn't really going anywhere, but it was still a good discussion. I'm sure if you follow this blog, you know Katie Brown and can ask her about her beliefs- I don't want to misinform you. However, my beliefs are rather simple: there is nothing before life, nothing after life, and there is no god. There's no purpose, and life is meaningless.
Okay. Yes. This point of view is very fatalistic and provides no hope. Katie brought up the brilliant point- if I am right in my view and she is wrong, she has lived a more hopeful life and I lived a bunch of my life miserably even though I am right. But even then, it won't matter! So who cares how I lived my life? I'll be nonexistent. I think I'm a generally good person- at least not bad enough to deserve eternal damnation. I TRY to live a good life, simply because it's the decent thing to do as a human being, not because I want to go to heaven. These other dudes on earth are being forced to live life, and if I can make that stupid, meaningless time a bit happier for them, heck yes I'm all for it. On the other hand, if, for the simple reason that I don't believe in him, god decides I should rot in hell forever, that's not a god I would've wanted to believe in in the first place.
All of that being said, I am very much aware of the effect that these beliefs have on my mental health. These are not beliefs that I enjoy maintaining, but from what I have learned, experienced, and read in my life so far, this is what I believe. Do not think for a moment that I wouldn't like to be convinced otherwise. I am on a constant search for meaning, for something that gives me hope. Though ultimately lacking some of the answers that I seek, the most peace I've found is in Daoism. This philosophy, along with the little bit I have read about Buddhism, has helped me achieve a bit more mental stability in recent months. But I am still not completely finished with this journey, as I probably never will be. And again, Daoism and Buddhism are not philosophies that I practice regularly, only occasionally dabble in reading about.
For now, my beliefs stand firm, even though I am actively looking for new ones which will give me more hope for continuing my life. I think, for now, the pursuit of meaning is what's keeping me going, which is okay by me. At least it's something.
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