I guess I'm at that age where it's easier for me to identify change and realize that it's happening. I'd say that in a way, I'm trying to find myself, discover who I am, and define what I believe and what my opinions are, but in all honesty, I don't believe in those things. I don't think it's possible to define a constantly dynamic being. Life is random and unpredictable, as are people. You will always change and do irrational things that you never would've expected from yourself. You may think you know yourself, but it is simply impossible to do so.
So if that's the truth, what are we supposed to be doing? I guess I'm learning and experiencing everything that I can, but what am I supposed to do with what I learn? I feel like, even things that I learn aren't necessarily helpful, because most things are relative and won't always be true.
I guess my most recent qualm is that I'm stuck in this weird dichotomy of being too dependent on other people for my own happiness while also being too distant and stuck in my own head. Does that even make sense? I crave human empathy, companionship, and love, while also trying to fulfill my need to learn things on my own and be an independent human being. I don't WANT to constantly need other people to fill the void I think I perceive in my life, but it does get awful lonely sometimes.
I'm also wondering in general how love works. Obviously this is not something that can actually be discovered, but I thought I at least slightly understood it. Now I know that it's completely nonsensical and impossible to comprehend. I think, for me personally, I try so hard to connect with people. I've been told that I'm way too empathetic. I make it my goal, my duty to understand how other people feel, or at least to the best of my ability. And not to sound like some whiny teenager, but I think that makes it difficult for me when other people don't understand how I feel. I think that's why I've fallen in love with the two people I have in the past. One was a six month long relationship, which okay, yes. Sure. Love sounds like a possibility in that case. But someone I've physically spent five days with- that makes no sense! But I think in that situation, it was what we had in common, in terms of our mindsets, the way we thought, and how we empathized with each other that did me in. It's just strange and new for me. It began and ended so quickly, yet I do truly believe that I was in love. The kind of thing that never leaves you, the kind of thing that becomes a part of who you are forever, that you'll never forget.
Which leads me to where I am now. The fact that I was able to honestly love someone after that first six month relationship gives me a tiny semblance of hope. It IS possible to fall in love, be in love, truly love more than once. So now I'm searching again. No matter how hard it is to find someone, I'll keep trying until it happens. I'll find someone who I can help and who can help me.
That being said, didn't I just say I wanted to be more independent? What do I actually mean by independence, anyway? I spend so much of my time alone lately. I think I just crave companionship because I need an escape from my thoughts, or at least someone to listen to them and help me work through them. These thoughts ARE my own, no matter how unoriginal they may be in the grand scheme of things, but I don't think I can find a sense of peace and finality on my own. Not that a sense of finality is really possible in my opinion, but at least for a short while, I think with the help of other people, it'd be doable.
Who knows. Maybe I'll find someone soon who I feel truly does understand when I talk to them about these kinds of things, someone who I can have a meaningful conversation with and someone who will be able to relate. Someone just as confused about life.
Maybe we can stumble, blind and uncertain, through life together. At least it'd be better than doing it alone.
BIg stuff. I thought I was was in love a bunch of times until I met one particular person and figured out how it was different. It took a while, but here it is: I became more of myself because of that person. There's a catch of course: I had to know who I was. And so I was older than I thought I should have to be when I fell in love with my one particular person, because it took a while to know myself. All you can do is try and follow your heart. It all seems to unfold at its own pace. And it will be good.
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